i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
