So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
