one two three fourrrrnication!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
