Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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