Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
