My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I AM VODKA MAN
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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