Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ttyl tear gas
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
