good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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