Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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