You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
