so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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