grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
