walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
