Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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