I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
