i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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