So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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