Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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