If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
