girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
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I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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