I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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