i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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