Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Damn victory sex feels great
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
