allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
