I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
