What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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