I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
