Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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