we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
