Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
