We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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