I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
