took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
