I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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