just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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