They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
