you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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