You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
