Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
