at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
