Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hippo gnu deer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I want to fling myself into the sun
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
