I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
