I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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