I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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