thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
