You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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