I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
