When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
