So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
