There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
