I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
