He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
