she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i think i have two assholes
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
false alarm, still single
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