She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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