I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
