Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
be right there i have to get my cape
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
