I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
