this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We need a shit load of segways right now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
