every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
