My cat gives me a boner
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
